Posts Tagged ‘smugness’

How to be smug?

August 27, 2009

There are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, find it difficult to be smug. This lack of natural smugness is especially bad news for those who harbour middle-class aspirations because let’s face it, a clementine doesn’t taste half as good as an orange without it.

Luckily, smugness can be learned at any age using the right training methods. The trouble is, if it doesn’t come to you naturally, you’ll find it hard to orchestrate scenarios where you can safely and easily exercise it. Safety is paramount, there’s nothing worse than being outsmugged by someone richer, more intelligent or who happens to support a team that beat your favourite team jsut the other day. Or have you ever tried being a grammar nazi only to be told that your spelling sucked? A botched attempt can seriously rupture your ego.

So here’s what you should do instead:

  1. Go to your local WH Smith store on a Saturday.
  2. Pick up a scientific magazine. Ideally, this should be something like Combinatorics, Probability and Computing or Theory of Probability and its Applications, but you’re not very likely to find any of them in there so a Scientific American will do. “They wouldn’t know the difference anyway.” is a good warming up thought to lead you onto the real thing.
  3. You’ll find an awfully long queue at the counter, join it and wait for your “Anyone not waiting for lottery?” call.
  4. This is your big moment! Hold the magazine in such a way that everyone in the queue will be able to see the title as you skirt past them nonchalantly.
  5. Pay up and leave with your head held high.
  6. Watch out for the aotomatic doors though..

Next time we’re going to learn how to become as patronising as a football pundit when a non-league team forces a replay against a Premier League team in the cup.