Posts Tagged ‘powerpoint’

MEETING REQUEST: Hari Seldon will evaluate the Foundation’s Performance in the Time Vault

July 14, 2009

Meeting Request

CEO Hari Seldon will evaluate the Foundation’s Performance in the Time Vault on Thursday from 3pm.

Attendance is mandatory for all Foundation employees, absences are subject to line manager’s approval.

Have you noticed the striking similarity between Hari Seldon’s virtual appearances in the Time Vault and those corporate meetings they hold every year just to tell employees how great they were and why, despite their outstanding performance, they shouldn’t expect a raise next year?

Once every year the mighty CEO (or a simulacrum of his, as it were) visits every single backwater office of the company to bore people out of their skulls with re-stating the obvious again and again. Or sometimes to enrage them with corporate lies.

‘I have to admit, I was pretty sure you’ll get through the first Crisis with flying colours.’

Of course it would’ve been much easier if you had bothered to turn up. I had to do long shifts at the space port and the shipyard while you went on a bloody fact-finding trip to the Moon!

‘Mr. Hardin handled the situation with commendable dignity and professionalism.’

Did he? DID HE? He did sod all, except fly around and spout generic bullshit and second-hand wisecracks. Mind you, he turned up at least.

‘But you cannot rest on your laurels. Another tough year is approaching and you’ll have to rise to the new challenge.’

So no raises for anyone except management. Again.

‘So far you’ve managed to preserve your independence by relying on your superior technical knowledge. This time that might not be enough though, diversification could be the key in the future.’

And there goes our training budget too. Again.

‘Remember, you have to ruthlessly crush your competitors, either that or they’ll crush you. As I often say “Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right”. This is my very first advice for organisations that want to be successful.

The last time I heard this saying, it was from Mayor Hardin, claiming that he had invented it.

‘But while you must show no mercy in business, you should also heed Mr. Hardin’s wise words: “Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.”’

And so is sexual harassment if Mr. Hardin’s PA’s colourful account of the last executive Christmas do is anything to go by.

And so on, and so on, I’m sure you get the idea. If you don’t, you probably don’t know anything about corporate life, about which you shouldn’t feel bad at all. You can imagine how these things work and how it is the same, but only if you feel you’ve got a lot of time on your hands.

You can also imagine a funny punchline, if you feel it’s missing from here or anything.