Of course everybody knows that the Internet/Google/Facebook/smartphones were all created by the CIA to snoop on everyone. (Well, everyone except the Chinese, who use them to snoop on the CIA.)

Hand on heart it’s hard to be enthusiastic about them, they’ve been around for decades, chewed, spat out and chewed again a thousand times. So instead of all the tired old cliches here are some fresh conspiracies that are a lot cooler to believe in:

Microsoft are secretly collecting recordings of your stupid victory celebrations when playing Kinect Sports. They’ve developed advanced pants recognition algorithms just for this purpose.

User comments are in fact a clever RIAA ploy to put people off listening to music on YouTube. It is by far their most successful programme, their army of automated morons (commandeered by only a handful of real ones) have driven millions of people to utter despair.

Memes were invented as a tool for human behaviour research, somewhat similar to how observing seismic wave propagation is used to map out the interior of a planet. Aliens use it as a cheap, outsourced alternative to the fiddly and rather messy probing.

Loyalty cards are used by supermarkets to keep track of what kind of condoms you buy. Size and flavour are displayed on the cashier’s screen, so if they appear to be unusually cheerful, now you know why.

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