Ever since dating a lump of rancid but exquisitely sculpted butter by accident, Kleinbahn has been cautious about relationships. His acute Geordie accent notwithstanding he was handsome in his own ways, in which he was also set, being the tambourmajor of the fire brigade brass band, and as such, a respected Bürger of his hometown.

His first encounter with the magical kingdom of law came early in his childhood when he was accused of indecent exposure by a photographer, who turned out to be of ill repute and such an unreliable witness that he himself was fined for contempt of court. Upon seeing this glorious triumph of Truth at the altar of Justitia he fell to his knees and would still be kneeling there, had the usher not yelled “Kortreiß!” (local dialect for court rise) in his left ear.

He rose then, and continued rising throughout adolescence and here he is now, in front of our very eyes, the burden of responsibility heavy on his shoulders, for by and with the advice of the Lords Spiritual and Temporal he became a cleaner at the Privy Council.

‘Most Honourable they may be’, he grumbled, ‘but not one of them knows how to correctly dispose of food packaging. No-one should be allowed to rise to such high office without knowing the basic rules of snacking in public.’

‘Eduskunnan päätöksen mukaisesti säädetään’, replied his assistant, who liked to be cheeky but wasn’t brave enough to do it in a language anyone in the room can understand.

‘Right, that’s enough for me today’, said Kleinbach, ‘I’m off to the doctor, my memory foam mattress has amnesia.’

And so he went.


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