Archive for June, 2011

Kharms

June 27, 2011

’The world began to exist when I let it in. It may be that it is still a mess, but it still exists! However, I began to get the world straight. Thus, art turned up. Only then did I recognise the real difference between the sun and a comb but learned at the same time that it is one and the same.’

Triskaidekaphobia

June 20, 2011

It’s just part of our lives, we don’t even seem to notice it any more. We’ve accepted that houses have no thirteenth floor, hotels have no room thirteen and so on. But out of all the superstitions I find this the most mind-boggling.

I mean, take airliners, on which there’s no row thirteen. What kind of accident is that supposed to prevent?

‘I’m sorry but we’ve lost row thirteen, it…it just fell out of the middle of the fuselage. Oh, the rest of the plane landed fine, still what a terrible loss.’

Imagine trying to explain the whole phenomenon to an alien who’d just landed on our planet.

‘You see, this is the way we number our houses: we assign odd numbers to one side of the street and evens to the other, and we use base ten notation. So for example if this is number ten here, the house opposite would be number eleven, next to number eleven would be number fifteen because, well, because many people are afraid of the number thirteen.’

Imagine explaining all that, what would someone who had crossed millions of parsecs of deep space to visit your planet say?

It’d say: ‘Exactly which part of the sentence “Please take me to your leader” are you failing to understand?”‘

Office

June 9, 2011

‘Are those headphones noise-cancelling?’
‘No, I’m just listening to Swedish death metal.’

Rapture

June 5, 2011

Although this whole Rapture thing seems to be very big in America, I don’t think it’s going to catch on in England anytime soon.

First of all, all those people flying around at the same time. There’s bound to be some sort of health and safety implication. At the very least, you’d expect yellow “Slippery When Wet” cones to be put on clouds.

Even worse though, when people are snatched up, they’re supposed to leave all their clothes behind. Now that’s definitely not the English way to go anywhere, let alone Heaven.

But the biggest flaw of popular modern Rapture descriptions is the implied principle behind it. Because living Christians are caught up first, while all those Christians who had died a long time ago have to wait till Armageddon to be judged.

And that’s practically queue-barging.