Archive for June, 2010


June 28, 2010

Okay, here’s the news: ‘Green’ ammo shipped to Afghanistan.

You may laugh at the sheer absurdity of such an idea, but let me explain.

Imagine all the lead and depleted uranium that used to pollute our environment as well as killing people. (Well, only our extended environment so far, but you never know what they’ll think of next.) This will all be a thing of the past soon. The pollution, not the killing, that is.

Okay, it’s not bio-degradable yet but I’m sure the technology for that is just around the corner. (Although demanding organic and fair trade ammo is probably pushing it a bit too far.)

Using lead in ammo really was a crying shame, considering that killing humans in itself is actually extremely eco-friendly. It not only eases the chronic overpopulation of our planet, but also reduces the victim’s ecological footprint from more than a global hectare to a very local, six-foot-by-two-foot rectangle.


June 23, 2010

When you’re watching football in a pub, there’s always the same dilemma you have to face: ‘Do I watch the game sat down or do I just stand at the bar?’

Well, it all depends on how optimistic one is. Cause celebrating goals is easier if you’re already standing, but a sitting posture is better for head-in-hand moments.

That’s all I’ve got on that one.

Actually, never mind whether your pint glass is half empty or half full. All that matters is whether you had drunk the missing half or spilled it.


June 17, 2010

I once wanted to write a short story about being on a night train that never quite reaches its destination.

There would’ve been only the three of us sitting on that train: me, a half-drunken scouser from Kirkby and a ginger lad who is a sound engineer on an evening show at a radio station in Manchester.

The scouse bloke would try to pitch his idea of a tv channel that would show classic slapstick 24 hours a day. Every ten minutes he’d stop for breath and to answer his girlfriend’s anxious phone calls, whom he had promised to visit but he got drunk in the afternoon instead and could only catch the last train.

She’d keep asking him where the train was and he’d keep asking us.

‘Todmorden’, would the ginger lad answer once.
‘I can’t fucking pronounce that, you tell her.’, the unnamed scouser would say.

And so on.

And we would’ve been there forever, and dawn would never come.

It’s not much of a story, to be fair.


June 10, 2010

We have to do our utmost to protect our environment, there’s no two ways about it. That’s why we happily latch onto every little idea we feel may help.

One such good idea is to run your car on diesel made out of chip fat. Sure, your car will forever be shrouded in a faint aroma of chips, but we all have to make sacrifices to save our beloved planet.

Another good idea, so I’ve read the other day in the papers, is to clean your windscreen with vinegar. Because that’s supposedly more environmentally friendly than other cleaning fluids.

It would be too cheap a joke for me to say that at this point I felt something fishy was going on, nor should I admit that I smelled a rat, but I could definitely see a pattern emerging here.

I still have my faith, rattled as it may be, in little ideas that may save our planet, but I hereby declare that I’ll call shenanigans the moment I see the headline “Curry sauce used as eco-friendly motor oil”.


June 9, 2010

The idea behind assisted suicide is that it gives you a more dignified way of dying. And that dignity is important, sometimes more important than carrying on living.

And I agree in principle but dignity, like many grand human concepts, is made up of tiny little pieces, all of which have to be perfect.

Take last words for example. We’re all convinced that even stupid or irritating people suddenly become wise and eloquent just because they don’t have much time left. And there might be some truth in this, you probably do choose your words more carefully, in much the same way as when your phone’s battery is about to run out. Maybe even more so because you know nobody’s gonna put you on the charger and call the world back in ten minutes.

Anyhow, famous last words are considered an important part of dying with dignity, that’ they somehow enable you to live on a bit. And I’d also like to believe this was one of the reasons Dignitas stopped putting people down using helium.